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On each of my daughters’ 4-month birthdays, I made a key parenting decision, and one that sometimes is controversial, as my sister made sure to tell me. We decided to start sleep training. This was no casual choice. It was a conscious decision based on reading, knowing our baby well and feeling very strongly that having good sleepers was vital for their development (and our own sleep needs). And this started the journey to teaching coping skills.
The plan was simple in theory but heart-wrenching in practice: Give them the chance to self-soothe and fall asleep on their own. This meant enduring the torturous sound of their cries as my husband and I sat in the family room, monitor next to us, feeling utterly conflicted. We would take turns standing up…then sitting down again. My heart screamed, Go in there and hold her! This is awful. What if she thinks you’ve abandoned her? But another voice reminded me of the bigger picture: They need this skill. Falling asleep wasn’t just about bedtime; it was about learning how to manage distress and find comfort within themselves.
Unbelievably to me, it only took three nights. Maybe four with daughter 2. The first night was rough. Honestly, I cried almost as much as they did. But then, something amazing happened. They started to drift off on their own. No rocking, no pacing, no endless bouncing at 2 a.m. To this day, my girls (now teenagers) are champion sleepers. Little did I know, this first step in teaching them to self-soothe would become the foundation for a much bigger parenting task: helping them learn how to cope. Feel free to try some tools as well! A white noise machine can create a calming environment, making it easier for babies to settle and fall asleep on their own.
The Hard Lessons of Disappointment
Sleep training was only the beginning of our coping lessons. Fast forward a few years, and parenting entered a new phase of emotional complexity. Disappointment became a visitor. One year, my daughter (age 8 at the time) had to miss her friend’s birthday party. To say she was devastated would be an understatement. There were tears, arguments, and a solid hour of “It’s not fair!”
I could’ve swooped in with solutions to soften the blow. Maybe bake a cake at home as a replacement party? Buy her a new toy to distract her? But I stopped myself. Instead, I sat down beside her on the couch and said, “This is no fun. I know how much you were looking forward to it.” Then I asked, “What can we do to feel better right now?”
We talked about what made her sad, what she could do to cheer up (drawing a happy birthday card for her friend turned out to be her idea), and practiced some deep breathing. I tried to help her shift focus—not to deny her feelings but to show her they wouldn’t last forever. “You’re upset now, but it won’t feel this big tomorrow,” I said. Slowly but surely, she settled, and the crisis turned into an opportunity to build a little more resilience.
The Bumps Along the Way
Of course, it hasn’t always been smooth sailing (it never is, right?). I would get frustrated, lost my patience. Wanting them to just be able to cope. But of course, these skills are not all innate. We need to guide, coach, encourage and support. Both my daughters are entrenched in the world of theatre. Definitely a natural place to understand the highs and lows of opportunity…the utter joy when they get a part they love and the utter disappointment when they do not get cast, or a certain role. Every single audition and show, performance or concert has been a time of growth for both of them. Countless hours of preparing, working, rehearsing, reflection, processing and talking. But, wow, did it yield tremendous resilience, intrinsic pride and ambition. They each developed strategies that worked for them to help them keep going. These included time to themselves, deep breathing, venting to mom and/or dad, writing, and continued hard work (this was key). Another strategy is a feelings journal. A guided feelings journal can help kids express their emotions and reflect on tough moments in a healthy way.
I often struggled, especially when they were younger, with the temptation to get more involved. Or to commiserate a little too much. Instead (most times), I kept the bigger picture in mind, I bit my tongue, hugged them, and said, “Oh, I know how awful this feels. But I’m so proud of you for your effort, your drive, your determination.” It has been amazing to see how they embraced their passion and found valuable lessons in every experience.
That’s the thing about coping skills. It’s not about taking the hurt away but helping kids hold it a little better. Whether it’s a canceled playdate, a rough day with friends, or a grade lower than expected, these are the moments that build their emotional muscle. And, wow, does it take patience on our part to guide them, not solve it for them.
Strategies That Worked for Us
Over the years, I’ve leaned on a few key strategies to help my daughters weather disappointment and tough situations.
- Talking It Out: Whether it’s after-school woes or a playground conflict, we make plenty of space for open conversations. I try not to rush them through their feelings. Instead of “It’s no big deal,” I ask things like, “What was the hardest part about it?” or “What do you think would help next time?”
- Breathing Together: This one doesn’t just work for them. When emotions are running high—even mine!—we’ll pause, close our eyes, and take deep, slow breaths. It’s amazing how something so simple can help calm the storm. A calming breathing toy can make practicing deep breaths fun and engaging for kids, helping them self-regulate during emotional highs.
- Growth Mindset Magic: Disappointments often live in the land of fixed ideas, like, “I’m just not good at this!” or, “Things will never go my way!” I try to sprinkle in phrases that shift perspective, like, “You’re learning something new every time,” or “Sometimes things don’t go how we hope, but that’s how we get stronger.” Is it magic right away? No. Does it plant a seed? I had always hoped so. I now know so. My daughter has shared with me how all of our processing has shaped her. That was a magical moment for mom.
- Finding the Upside: This doesn’t mean invalidating their feelings, but once the initial sting fades, I’ll ask, “What’s one good thing we can take from this?” It could be a lesson, a funny memory, or just realizing they got through it and survived.
When to Step Back
One of the hardest parts of parenting is knowing when to step in and when to step back. I’ve learned that sometimes the most loving thing we can do is not jump in to rescue our kids at every hiccup. Like that time my oldest forgot her math homework and panicked right before class. She wanted me to rush home and grab it, but I held the line. “What can you do to solve this?” I asked. She ended up talking to her teacher, explaining the mistake, and learning that, hey, it wasn’t the end of the world. Confession, there were times I caved and brought the homework. Another example of the parenting balancing act, choosing the times we need to hold the line for growth and other times we can throw them a line.
Or when middle school friendships got rocky, and my micromanaging instincts flared. I reminded myself it was her relationships, not mine. Instead of advising her on every sentence to text, I listened. I empathized. I resisted the urge to say, “Send this instead!” And guess what? She figured it out.
The Moral of the Story
Parenting isn’t about shielding our kids from every bump in the road. It’s about helping them learn how to walk over the bumps, stumble a little, and get back up. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. But watching them grow into resilient, capable humans makes the discomfort worth it.
Some of these lessons are taught in a nursery with a baby crying it out. Some are learned in disappointing moments over missed parties and auditions that didn’t go our way. The key isn’t perfection—for you or for them—but progress. With every “It’s not fair” moment, every tear-filled night, and every tiny win, we’re all growing.
And you know what? That’s something worth waiting for—even if it’s not easy.
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