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Mistakes. Setbacks. Flaws. These words might make many of us cringe, especially when we see our teens struggling. Or are fairly Type A ourselves. Maybe they failed a test, didn’t make the team, or botched their first job interview. It’s tempting to want to swoop in and shield them from failure, but here’s a counterintuitive truth every parent should know: failing is not the end. It’s the beginning of growth and life skills.
The concept of “failing forward” means viewing failure not as a stop sign, but as a stepping stone. It’s about helping teens learn from their missteps, use setbacks to come back stronger, and build the resilience they’ll need to succeed in school, future jobs, and life.
Research tells us that perseverance, or grit, is one of the biggest predictors of long-term success. And grit isn’t something we’re born with, it’s something we develop when we learn to overcome failure. This blog will explore why allowing teens to fail (and guiding them through it) is one of the greatest gifts you can give as a parent.
The Science of Failure as a Learning Tool
When teens face failure, their brains actually have the chance to grow. Neuroscience shows that making mistakes activates the brain’s anterior cingulate cortex, which processes errors, and helps build new neural pathways for learning. This means experiencing failure provides a powerful opportunity for growth.
But here’s the catch. Growth only happens when failure is processed in a constructive way. If teens see failure as shameful or permanent, they may withdraw, give up, or avoid taking future risks. That’s where parents come in—not to prevent failure, but to help teens frame it as a stepping stone, not a stumbling block.
Why Failing Forward is Essential for Teens
Teens who learn to fail forward develop skills that are essential for success in school, future jobs, and life.
1. Problem-Solving
Failure forces teens to confront what went wrong and figure out how to fix it. This builds problem-solving skills, whether it’s figuring out a way to study better, practice harder, or manage their time more effectively. Problem solving is developed with opportunities to practice. A standing rule in my house is that my kids had to try three ways to solve a problem they were having before coming to me. Provided they weren’t in danger or hurt, of course!
Example: May sound simplistic, but If a teen doesn’t study enough and fails a math test, they learn that next time they’ll need to spread out their study sessions or seek extra help in advance.
2. Critical Thinking
Instead of just feeling bad about failure, analyzing it teaches teens to think critically. Why didn’t their group project succeed? How could they approach it differently next time?
Example: A teen who loses a debate match might reflect on what they could do to learn to strengthen their arguments or counter their opponent more effectively in the future.
3. Emotional Resilience
Failure stings, but learning to bounce back builds emotional resilience. Teens who practice this skill are better equipped to handle setbacks in relationships, academics, or future careers.
Example: A teen rejected from their dream college may be disappointed but can refocus on opportunities at schools where they’ve been accepted.
4. Growth Mindset for Lifelong Learning
When teens learn to view failure as feedback, they adopt a growth mindset. Dive deeper into the power of a growth mindset with this interactive book. Instead of saying, “I’m just bad at science,” they say, “I didn’t study enough this time, so I’ll do better next time.” My daughter has done a great deal of reflecting on her effort level for subjects she is interested vs not and how it is just as important to tackle the subjects she is less excited about. This has been quite the process…
Example: Persevering through challenges helps them see learning as a process, which is critical in any field of study or career.
How Parents Can Teach Failing Forward
Encouraging teens to fail forward isn’t about setting them up for failure or letting them struggle alone. It’s about giving them the tools to learn from mistakes in a constructive, supported way. Here’s how:
1. Shift the Narrative Around Failure
Help teens see failure as a normal, even expected, part of growth. Praise effort and process instead of focusing solely on outcomes.
What You Can Say:
- “You tried a new strategy, and it didn’t work this time—that’s how we learn what does work!”
- “Failure is just practice for success. What did this experience teach you?”
Why It Works: When teens hear that failure is part of learning, they’re more likely to try again and less likely to feel defeated.
2. Share Your Own Failures
Teens often look up to their parents as having it all figured out. Sharing your struggles, mistakes, and what you learned from them can make failure feel less isolating.
How to Do It:
- Describe a time you failed at work or school and what it taught you. For example, “I didn’t get my first choice job after college, but that led me to discover a career I love even more.”
- Discuss how those early failures made you stronger or better prepared for future challenges.
Why It Works: Seeing that even adults fail normalizes the experience and builds trust with your teen.
3. Teach a Reflection Process
When teens fail, don’t immediately jump in with fixes. Teach them to reflect on the experience by asking guiding questions.
Reflection Framework:
- What happened? (Describe the situation honestly.)
- Why didn’t it work? (Identify specific areas that went wrong.)
- What’s the takeaway? (What did you learn?)
- What’s the next step? (How will you adjust going forward?)
Example: After failing a science test, a teen might reflect that they crammed the night before and didn’t understand certain concepts. Their takeaway could be to study earlier and ask for help on tough topics.
Why It Works: Reflection helps teens turn failure into actionable lessons for future growth.
4. Allow Natural Consequences
It’s tough to watch your teen experience the fallout of failure, but natural consequences are powerful teachers.
How to Do It: If your teen procrastinates on a project and gets a low grade, resist the urge to rescue them by arguing with the teacher or extending deadlines. Instead, help them use this experience to plan better next time.
Why It Works: Experiencing consequences reinforces responsibility and shows teens that their actions have a direct impact on outcomes.
5. Celebrate Resilience, Not Perfection
Focus on how your teen handles challenges, not just whether they succeed. Highlighting their resilience helps them see value in the process, even if the result wasn’t what they hoped for.
What You Can Say:
- “I’m proud of how you kept going even when it got hard.”
- “I know this didn’t turn out how you wanted, but I can see how much you learned along the way.”
Why It Works: Recognizing effort and growth builds confidence and encourages persistence.
6. Encourage Risk-Taking
Teens who are afraid to fail may avoid trying altogether. Push them gently outside their comfort zones to help them see the value of taking risks.
Examples:
- Encourage them to audition for the school play, even if they’re nervous.
- Suggest they apply for a leadership role, even if it feels intimidating.
Why It Works: When teens see that failure isn’t as scary as they thought, they’re more likely to try again.
Failure is never easy to watch as a parent, but it’s so much more than a stumble. It’s a launchpad. Teens who learn to fail forward gain essential skills like problem-solving, critical thinking, and perseverance. They learn that setbacks aren’t dead-ends but opportunities to grow stronger and smarter.
Remember, the way you respond to your teen’s failures shapes how they see those experiences. By modeling resilience, encouraging reflection, and focusing on growth over perfection, you’re helping them develop the skills they’ll need to excel in school, future jobs, and life.
Every failure is a step toward success. Together, you and your teen can take those steps one at a time.
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This is good advice. It’s so easy as a parent to anticipate to jump in and fix it for your babies but this highlights the importance of letting them figure it out. Great post!
Thank you so much for your feedback! It is definitely hard to hold back sometimes. If you are interested in more information feel free to sign up for the weekly newsletter!
What a great read, I love the tips. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you! I’m glad you found it helpful!