Parenting tweens often feels like walking a tightrope. They’re not quite kids anymore but not yet full-fledged teenagers. You can see their desire to build independence bubbling up, yet they’re still figuring out how to make confident decisions and handle social interactions. Trust me, I know how nerve-wracking it can be to loosen the reins—but I’ve also seen how these small opportunities for growth can transform tweens into capable, self-assured individuals.
For my family, teaching kids independence emerged in everyday situations. There wasn’t an elaborate plan, just natural moments where I saw an opportunity and encouraged my kids to step into it. Their milestones didn’t always happen without resistance (or second-guessing on my part), but with the right tools and a little patience, those moments of bravery added up to something big.
Finding Independence in Everyday Moments
Take something as simple as ordering a pizza. For years, I’d been the one calling in the orders myself. But when my oldest hit nine, I saw the perfect chance for her to practice speaking up. “You want pizza?” I said. “You can call and order it.” She looked at me like I’d suggested climbing Everest.
“I don’t know what to say.” she said.
I reassured her that she can do it. I jotted down a quick script for her to use: “Hi, I’d like to order a large pepperoni pizza for pick up, please.” With a bit of coaching, she nervously held the phone and dialed. Did she look at me when they asked her to repeat herself? Sure. But by the time she hung up, she was practically glowing, proud of what she’d accomplished on her own.
That tiny experience wasn’t just about dinner. It planted the seed of confidence she’d use over and over again when interacting with people outside her comfort zone.
Stepping Up for Themselves
Another pivotal moment came when my kids started needing more from their teachers in school. We started this as early as second or third grade. When assignments got tricky or confusion arose, their first instinct was, naturally, to ask me to contact their teacher. But instead of jumping in, I’d say, “Why don’t you ask your teacher during morning work?” and eventually, “Why don’t you email your teacher yourself?”
At first, the idea of reaching out to a teacher on their own was intimidating. We’d sit together and plan what they were going to ask or draft the email, adding lines like, “I was hoping you could clarify…” or “I just wanted to double-check…” Once they felt good about the message, they’d hit send, feeling a little braver each time they saw their words go off into the digital world. Over time, they stopped needing my input and started taking initiative, a skill that’s essential for navigating both school and life.
Leaping Outside Comfort Zones
Perhaps the most rewarding example of stepping out of a comfort zone came when my theatre-loving daughter decided to try something completely new. Field hockey was a world apart from her natural habitat of costumes and stage lights. She was hesitant—but curious. And her excitement won out. She came to this decision all on her own, and even though she had times of doubt she played for two seasons.
I told her this wasn’t about being the best. It was about being brave enough to try. I reminded her that feeling awkward or out of place at first was part of learning something new. She stuck it out through the newness of the first practices and even managed a few laughs about missed goals. By the end of the seasons, she didn’t just gain some field hockey skills; she gained a belief in herself.
Watching her adapt to something so far outside her comfort zone was a powerful reminder that these experiences aren’t about immediate results but slow, steady growth.
Fostering Independence in Everyday Life
Opportunities for building independence and social skills are all around us, even in the smallest, most ordinary moments. Here are a few that have worked for our family, alongside strategies to make those moments count.
1. Give Them Real-World Practice
Everyday interactions are a great way to build confidence.
- Paying at the counter: Whether it’s buying a snack or paying for a hot chocolate, letting kids handle the cash or card gives them valuable social practice.
- Scheduling their own plans: If they want to meet up with a friend, encourage them to text or call the other parent to confirm logistics.
- Making quick phone calls: From asking grandma about her day to calling customer service, these brief conversations help kids learn to speak clearly and confidently.
The key is not to overload them with challenging situations all at once but to gradually increase the complexity as they get more comfortable.
2. Scripts Are Your Best Friend
The biggest hurdle for many tweens is not knowing what to say in new situations. That’s why I swear by practicing scripts. Before calling for pizza or emailing a teacher, my kids and I would brainstorm a simple plan for what they wanted to express.
Some sample scripts we’ve used include:
- For ordering food: “Hi, can I order a large cheese pizza, please?”
- For emailing a teacher: “Hi Mr. Lewis, I’m having trouble with question 5 on our math homework. Can you help explain it?”
- For introducing themselves in a new activity group: “Hi, I’m [Name]! I’m excited to join this club. What do you like most about this club?”
These preplanned phrases give kids a foundation to build on, and over time, they start improvising naturally.
3. Role-Playing for Confidence
There’s something about practicing a situation beforehand that helps calm the nerves. Whether they’re interacting with salespeople, making a phone call, or approaching a new group of classmates, role-playing has been a game-changer for us. I might pretend to be a stranger taking their order or a teacher responding to their email, using humor to lighten the mood. Practicing at home makes the real thing feel less intimidating.
4. Focus on the Follow-Through
Trying something new is only one part of the equation; reflecting on how it went completes the experience. After my daughter’s first pizza call, I asked her, “How did it feel? What went well? What would you say differently next time?” These conversations reinforce their effort and help them refine their approach without fearing mistakes. We had many laughs over certain real life experiences and how to tackle them next time.
5. Be Honest About Your Own Experiences
One of the most reassuring things for kids is hearing that even adults don’t always have it all figured out. I’ve shared plenty of my own stories about awkward moments. “Remember, even grown-ups forget what to say or mess up occasionally,” I’ll tell my kids. “The important part is trying.”
Why Small Steps Matter
Watching my kids grow through these small but meaningful moments has taught me a lot about patience, persistence, and cheering from the sidelines. Sure, there are times when I wish I could jump in and fix things for them. It would certainly be quicker, and they’d avoid awkward moments. But those are the places where growth lives.
The ultimate goal isn’t fearlessness but courage. With every emailed teacher, every new activity tried, and every pizza ordered, our tweens learn the resilience they’ll need for the bigger challenges ahead.
These small acts of stepping out of their comfort zones might not seem life-changing on their own, but over time, they create self-sufficient, confident kids who know they can handle whatever comes their way.
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