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Parenting can be as exhausting as it is rewarding. Patience is not always easy. Your kindergartener forgets her lunchbox for the third time this week, or your preschooler throws a tantrum because they just can’t wait for you to open their snack. It’s easy to feel frustrated, especially when you’ve explained the same thing over and over again. But here’s an important truth to hold onto: young children’s executive functioning (EF) skills are still developing, and delays, forgetfulness, and impulsivity are completely normal.
Patience isn’t just a helpful trait for parents; it’s an essential superpower. By practicing parenting patience, you create an environment where your child can practice and strengthen crucial life skills like emotional control, planning, and attention. With your steady guidance and understanding, they will grow into more focused, thoughtful, and resilient individuals.
Why Young Kids Struggle with Executive Functioning
Executive functioning skills, which are managed by the brain’s prefrontal cortex, help us organize, plan, regulate emotions, and control impulses. These skills develop gradually over time and aren’t fully mature until well into our mid-20s. For young children, the wiring in their brains is still “under construction,” which means they need plenty of support to build habits like remembering tasks or waiting their turn.
1. Developing Brain = Forgetfulness and Delays
Your child’s prefrontal cortex is like a young sapling compared to an adult’s mighty oak tree. Just as a small tree needs time to grow strong roots, your child’s brain needs time to build neural connections. Forgetting to put their shoes by the door doesn’t mean they’re ignoring you; it means their working memory is still learning how to juggle tasks.
The Science: Research shows that EF skills like working memory and self-regulation don’t fully emerge until around age 5-7 and continue to develop throughout childhood.
Helpful Tool: A visual checklist for morning (or any) routines (like this one) can teach young kids how to independently follow simple steps. Whether it’s brushing their teeth, packing their bag, or putting on their shoes, these checklists make daily routines less overwhelming and prevent forgetfulness. Plus, you’ll feel less like a broken record!
2. Big Feelings, Little Nervous System
Young children often experience their emotions at full volume because they haven’t yet mastered emotional control. When overwhelmed, their ability to think clearly or plan ahead diminishes, resulting in meltdowns or impulsive decisions.
Example: If your toddler yells because they can’t have candy before dinner, they’re not trying to “misbehave.” They’re overwhelmed by disappointment and don’t yet have the words or coping tools to handle it calmly.
3. Impulse Over Reflection
Have you noticed how your preschooler insists on running ahead in the parking lot, even after repeated reminders to hold your hand? Impulse control develops slowly as your child learns to pause and think before acting. It can be frustrating, but it’s a normal part of their growth curve.
The Science: A study from the National Institute of Mental Health found that children improve impulse control significantly through their early school years. However, they still need patience and practice to consistently make thoughtful choices.
Helpful Tool: If you want to make learning patience fun, try a set of impulse-control or waiting games for kids (like this fun game). Games like “Red Light, Green Light” or “Simon Says” are playful ways to practice waiting, following directions, and taking turns. These activities not only make challenging moments more enjoyable but also build critical self-regulation skills over time.
Why Patience Is Key in Nurturing EF Skills
1. Progress, Not Perfection
Expecting young children to “get it right” the first time can set everyone up for frustration. Mistakes and missteps are part of learning. When you respond patiently, you’re modeling grace in the face of challenges, which helps your child feel safe to keep trying.
Example: If your child forgets their lunchbox again, instead of scolding, you might say, “Oops! We’ll make it part of the morning routine to double-check. Can you help me make a reminder note tonight?”
2. Patience Builds Confidence
When you approach your child with calm encouragement, it shows them that you believe in their ability to improve. On the other hand, harsh reactions might discourage them from trying altogether.
Example: If your child interrupts during a phone call, instead of snapping, gently hold up a hand to signal “wait” and say, “I’ll be done in one minute, and then I can listen to you.”
3. Patience Creates Space for Practice
Building EF skills isn’t a one-time lesson; it’s the result of repeated practice over weeks, months, and years. Patience allows you to guide your child through situations where they can develop these skills, one small step at a time.
Strategies for Gently Encouraging EF Skills
1. Scaffold Their Growth
Just as a builder uses scaffolding to support a structure until it’s stable on its own, parents can provide temporary support to help children master tasks.
- How to Scaffold: Break tasks into smaller steps. For instance, if cleaning their room feels overwhelming, guide them to put away books first, then toys, then laundry.
- Why It Works: This approach turns a big challenge into manageable pieces, helping your child stay focused and build the confidence to work independently.
2. Practice “Wait Games”
Impulse control takes lots of patience to develop. Fun activities can teach your child how to pause and wait in a playful way.
- Examples of games to try include “Red Light, Green Light,” “Simon Says,” or simply timing how long they can sit still with a favorite toy.
- While waiting in real-life situations (like a grocery store line), turn it into a challenge by saying, “Can we spot five blue things before it’s our turn?”
3. Validate Their Feelings
When kids feel seen and heard, they’re more open to learning how to cope with frustration or other challenges.
- How to Validate: Acknowledge their emotions without judgment. For example, if your preschooler cries because playtime is over, try saying, “I can see you’re feeling sad because you wanted to keep playing. It’s okay to feel sad. When you’re ready, we’ll talk about what’s next.”
- Why It Works: Validating emotions helps kids process big feelings, making it easier for them to regain control.
4. Use Visual Supports
Because children’s working memory is still developing, visual tools can provide a helpful reminder for routines or expectations.
- Example: Create a simple visual checklist for getting ready in the morning (e.g., “1. Brush teeth, 2. Get dressed, 3. Pack your bag”) to help them follow steps independently.
- Why It Works: Visual aids reduce the need for verbal reminders and empower children to stay on track.
5. Celebrate the Small Wins
Positive reinforcement is one of the most effective ways to motivate kids. Celebrate small moments they demonstrate self-regulation or planning, even if it’s not perfect.
- Examples of Praise: “I saw how you waited patiently in line today—that was a big deal!” or “You remembered to put your shoes by the door! Nice work!”
- Why It Works: Celebrating progress encourages your child to keep practicing and reminds them that their efforts matter.
Your patience as a parent is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child. It teaches them that growth takes time and effort and reassures them that it’s okay to make mistakes along the way.
Executive functioning skills like emotional control and planning are built over years, not days. By approaching each challenge with kindness, guidance, and realistic expectations, you’re equipping your child with the tools they need to thrive in school, relationships, and beyond.
Parenting is a long game, and patience is your superpower. One reminder, one deep breath, and one small step at a time, you’re helping your child become the capable, confident individual you know they can be. You’ve got this!
