Learning to Step Back as a Parent: Raising Independent, Confident Girls

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Parenting tweens and teens is a delicate dance of holding on and letting go. If you’re anything like me, you’ve wrestled with the instinct to step in and guide every decision—from who their friends are to what they wear and how they study. But over the years, I’ve learned (many times the hard way) that some of the most meaningful growth happens when we step back, bite our tongues, and trust our children to make their choices—even when those choices wouldn’t always be ours.

Raising my girls has been a masterclass in learning when to speak and when to stay quiet. It’s an ongoing lesson, filled with rewarding moments and humbling ones. But through open communication, trust, and the occasional leap of faith, I’ve seen them grow into independent, confident young women. And honestly, they’ve taught me a lot about myself along the way.

The Power of Open Communication

If I had to trace my parenting philosophy back to one principle, it’s this: Open communication starts early. From the moment they could string sentences together, I made it a point to talk with my daughters—not at them, well sometimes this happened. Whether they were upset about a toy-sharing disagreement or trying to explain how they felt about a story we read, I tried to listen and made space for their voices. Doing some reading helps… you can find further information and practical tips in books like Raising Good Humans.

This foundation became invaluable in the tween and teen years. When bigger, more complex topics emerged (friendships, style choices, study habits), they knew they could come to me. We established a rhythm of sharing ideas openly, which created an environment where they felt safe being themselves and exploring their individuality. Some of my favorite times over the years were in the car. The car ride is prime talking time.

Through these conversations, I also worked to instill important values about respect for themselves and others, propriety, and the permanence of certain decisions. I wanted them to feel confident exploring their identities but also understand the ripple effects of their choices. That balance is tricky to strike, but it’s what has kept our relationship rooted in mutual trust and respect. There are times we debate, are loud, frustrated, but ultimately our conversations end in this trust and respect.

Walking the Fine Line with Friendships

One of the first areas where I had to learn to step back was with friendships. Tweens and teens go through so many phases when it comes to their social circles. Some of their friendships I adored and hoped would last forever. Others… well, I wondered. Early on, I naively thought I could influence who they spent time with by sharing my thoughts openly. But what I learned is that the more I pushed, the more they pushed back.

Instead, I shifted my approach. I started asking questions instead of giving opinions. “What do you like about [Friend’s Name]?” or “How do you feel after spending time with them?” Those questions often fueled deeper conversations where they began to evaluate their friendships on their own. Over time, they developed a good sense of what healthy relationships look like, and I got to witness the growth that came with them navigating those situations themselves.

Was it always easy for me to keep quiet? Definitely not. But seeing them confidently distance themselves from negative influences or form bonds with people who brought out the best in them proved that letting them figure it out was the right choice.

Fashion, Hairstyles, and a Few Surprises

Parenting also means navigating the wonderful world of self-expression. My daughters’ journeys with fashion and style have been a particular area of growth for both them and me. My younger daughter, for example, has an incredible sense of style, but it’s completely different from my own. Where I might lean toward classic and understated, she’s bold and experimental.

Ten years ago, if you’d told me I’d celebrate her getting a cartilage piercing for her 15th birthday, I would’ve laughed out loud. Back then, I was so focused on a vision of “appropriate.” But over the years, I’ve learned to separate my preferences from hers. When she brought up the idea of the piercing last year, we talked about it at length. She explained why it mattered to her, and I shared my worries. But ultimately, I trusted her judgment. And you know what? It looks amazing.

Moments like these have shown me that allowing them to explore their identity—even when it challenges my expectations—is a gift. They see that I respect their choices, which has deepened their respect for me in return.

Study Habits and Personal Accountability

Another area where I’ve had to practice the art of stepping back is with their study habits. Early on, I was the type of mom who wanted to “fix” things when I saw them struggling. Missing an assignment? I’d remind them (sometimes multiple times). Studying last-minute? I’d nudge them to start earlier. Or I’d try to bribe them with cute study tools like this planner.

But eventually, I realized that my interference wasn’t helping them build the skills they needed. Instead of hovering, I started empowering them to take ownership of their workload. We’d talk through time management strategies, and I’d share tips that worked for me. But I also made a conscious effort to step back, even when I knew they might fall short.

Were there moments when they forgot something or didn’t perform as well as they could? Of course. But those moments became teaching opportunities. By giving them ownership and developing their own goals, it helped them grow as learners. By allowing them to face the consequences, I saw them grow into more self-reliant, responsible individuals.

Trusting the Process

One of the most striking moments where this philosophy paid off was during the college application process with my oldest daughter. I’ll admit, I had plenty of opinions about where she should apply and what would be the best fit. But because we’d spent years building an open line of communication, I realized she had it under control.

She worked with her coaches, researched schools, set her deadlines, and included me in the process—not because I demanded it but because she wanted my input in a way that felt collaborative. Those college visits and talks created amazing memories where I learned even more about her as a person. Watching her confidently take charge while still valuing my thoughts was one of the most rewarding experiences of parenting so far.

Reflecting on the Journey

Allowing tweens and teens to make their own choices is hard. It’s a lesson in patience and humility, and I’ve had my share of slip-ups where I pushed my own preferences too hard. But over time, I’ve grown alongside my daughters, learning when to lean in and when to step back.

The truth is, their choices will not always mirror mine. And that’s okay. My job isn’t to mold miniature versions of myself but to raise young women who are safe, healthy, respectful, and confident in their decision-making.

Through all the challenges (and the occasional sigh-worthy moments), this approach has created relationships built on trust, mutual respect, and acceptance. We’ve all grown together, and I’m grateful for the connection we share.

Stepping back doesn’t mean letting go. It means giving them space to become who they’re meant to be—with the reassuring knowledge that you’ve imparted some wisdom and will always be there to help when they need you.

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